But, after a brief struggle with temptation I decided it was easier to give in and rant and rave about this newest form of theological shit. And I should warn everyone of this one, it might offend some of you, but I won’t say who (because actually I am aiming to ruin your life, or at the very least make you lose sleep…it makes my heart smile).

The Roman Catholic Church in all its antiquated, child-molesting glory has struck another mighty accord in the name of God, the Father and the Holy fucking Ghost. An announcement, you might say, of biblical proportions has been issued to this ghastly pit of a world we live in; an unholy abomination has crept into the very midst of the House of God in Rome. Yes, the last and final stronghold is in danger of falling prey to Lucifer (who has recently informed me that he has resigned and is no longer in charge of Hell) and his minions…Satan’s emissaries have invaded Rome.

Bear in mind, ye faithful servants of God, that these creatures of absolute darkness aren’t your average, even classic Satanists. Anton LeVay now sheds tears of horrific joy as his religious creation adapts to the more modern world.

No, these hounds from the depths of black hell are insidious, even friendly people. They could be people you have known for many, many years. People you have trusted, people you have cherished many a moment with. But do not allow yourself to stray from the path of righteousness! These foul beasts must be stopped! It’s a good thing the Dope Ratzinger has reintroduced exorcisms, a squad for every blowjob lusting bishopry.

So in order to further along the holy mission of the venerable Papal state I am providing the public with the knowledge to ferret out these cruel and inhuman servants of the Prince of Lies, as well as the weapons with which to send them howling back to Hell. Read on…

How to Spot the New Satanist

If a person has done one or more of the following, the are a Satanist. Period. No questions asked (at least, not any questions of worth or sense).

1. Turned away from the Holy Church.
2. Is a heathen.
3. Wants a divorce.
4. Wants to use birth control.
5. Has sex before marriage.
6. Thinks they are psychic.
7. Use ‘New Age’ therapies.
8. Use the internet (Gotcha…you are all going burn)
9. Practice yoga.

If you find any of these people, do the following:
1. Locate Priest and interrupt child porn session.
2. Inform Priest of Satanic activity (wait until alter boy leaves the room).
3. March with pious conviction to scene.
4. Watch with pious conviction as Priest damns sinner to hell.
5. Help prepare the pyre.
6. Watch with pious conviction as the sinner gets a taste of the well-deserved and fiery hell which awaits him in the afterlife.

But seriously folks…don’t take my word for it. After all, I have a special room (maybe even 12 rooms) reserved in your so-called ‘Hell’, and all I can say is that they’d better come with smokes, beer, and hookers…cause if not, I’m coming back to kick somebody’s ass. You can take the below for confirmation…and in just in case you don’t get it…I was being sarcastic up there…don’t go killing anyone for Christ.

“600,000 “Satanists” in Rome? (from wild hunt blog)

While America is distracted by the Pope’s visit, the Christian Broadcasting Network (home of Pat Robertson’s “The 700 Club”) spotlights the growing popularity of exorcisms in Italy (a topic I’ve touched on before).

“In this predominantly Catholic nation the devil is gaining a foothold. “There is a greater openness towards the devil,” Rev. Gabriele Amorth, the Vatican’s chief exorcist, said. In fact, Rome has been called the most ’satanized’ city in Italy. “Satanism and the occult are in fashion,” said Father Pedro Barrajon, a professor of theology.”

None of this rhetoric is new or unusual (indeed, the good Rev. Amorth seems willing to talk to any news outlet that will give him the time of day), but what did draw my eye was an un-sourced statistic thrown out by the CBN reporter.

“There are an estimated 800 satanic cults operating in the country, with more than 600,000 followers. And their numbers are growing.”

Over half a million Satanists? Really? That seems like an awfully big number. To get some perspective, I checked in with theistic Satanist Diane Vera’s web site, where a whole section has been devoted to Satanic panic in Italy. According to Vera, these high numbers may be including Satanists, occultists of all stripes, Pagans, psychics, and other “heretical” individuals (teenage metal heads, for example).

“Among Christians, including Catholics, an increased emphasis on demons and exorcism leads inevitably to an increased fear of all non-Christian spiritual practices … All the “We’re not Satanists” disclaimers in the world will not stop conservative Christians from associating non-Christian spiritualities - especially the more “magical” spiritualities - with demons and/or with Satanism. Even in the eyes of those relatively few conservative Christians who are well-informed about the beliefs of Pagans, occultists, etc.”

This view is backed up by the blog Bartholomew’s Notes on Religion, who dug into census data and found that there were only 240 or so “organized” Satanists (as of 2003).

“Therefore, despite the many more relevant numbers often supplied by mass media - those who propose such numbers should, of course, be capable of supporting their statements with evidence as far as we can see from the numbers right now - the groups of organized satanists only represent an insignificant percentage of the Italian population even if, of course, the experience lived can be extremely hard for the people involved. The organized satanism is therefore a phenomenon that is often overrated, as a matter of fact, it concerns only a few thousands of people all over the world.”

Taking all this into account, it becomes clear that exorcisms aren’t simply a tool against “demonic possession”. No heroic Father Merrin casting out the demon in little Regan. Instead, we have a struggle against all forms of non-Catholic thought. If you embrace a theology outside the bounds of the dominant monotheisms, or simply want to divorce your Catholic husband, you are demon-haunted and ripe for spiritual torture-tactics.

“Typical cases, he said, include people who turn away from the church and embrace New Age therapies, alternative religions or the occult. Internet addicts and yoga devotees are also at risk, he said.”

The rhetorical slight-of-hand that turns all non-Catholic thinking into demon-possession hasn’t escaped the notice of Pagan groups around the world, who condemn this new commitment to “curing” people who may simply be happier as Pagans.

So while Benedict XVI makes nice at an inter-religious gathering in America, those under his purview continue to ignore his wish to “discuss our differences with calmness and clarity”, and instead label anyone in Rome rejecting Christianity as “Satanists”. But then, perhaps Benedict’s call for “sincere dialogue and cooperation” was only extended to the religions big enough to be invited to the party. Pagans, Heathens, and assorted polytheists, on the outs since the time of Theodosius, need not apply.”