I do not know why I read the news while I am at work. I suppose it is a time-consuming enough distraction when there is little to be accomplished relating to my job. It doesn’t occur with enough regularity to be much of problem, so normally I don’t bother worrying about the infuriating lack of alcoholic beverages in my office (note to self: bring enough alcohol to fill drawers in desk).

But, what you are wondering, has caused this frustrated author to wish with desperate desire for an early afternoon drink? Glad you asked…allow me to explain. Warning: If you are the ‘insane religious freak show’ type, then I STRONGLY recommend that you go blow yourself. And that you read this, and then blow yourself. Or maybe playing in traffic is better solution; it is certainly a permanent solution, of which I am a great fan. Either way works though. Have fun.

I am most certain that many of us still remember the outrage and painfully stupid screams from the Muslim community over the cartoon drawn by a Danish cartoonist. For those of you who have just found your way out of your own personal rock, and for those of you with a short term memory problem, allow me to paint the scene for you.

The cartoon depicted Muhammad carrying a bomb. As soon as it was released the world suffered the shock of millions of little Islamic heads exploding with rage. Yes, I realize that this is insensitive, and I don’t care anymore. Actually, I stopped caring the moment some hotheaded, intemperate Muslim voiced this opinion:

“This cartoon depicts Islam as being a violent religion. This is offensive blah blah blah, don’t do it again or we’ll blow your office!”

Very convincing argument you have there. Sometime later you and yours managed to further your already unfailingly logically argument by plotting to kill the cartoonist. I must say I’ve not seen this kind of ‘peaceful religion’ since the Templar’s butchered the inhabitants of Jewish towns and the like. Then again, I suppose the threat of a single murder is, by comparison, merciful in that only one person dies, verses the occupants of an entire building. Well done…excellent display of understanding and mercy. Now go blow yourself.

Altogether the world of Islam blew a gasket, for no real reason. It wasn’t as if the cartoonist was depicting anything the world didn’t already know. No, your prophet wasn’t the type to walk into a crowed market and self-detonate; but many of his followers in this day and age are all to willing to do precisely that. Unacceptable, and I don’t give two shits whether or not you agree with me.

Okay, we are all staring at the same ragged piece of paper now, right? Good. If not, go blow yourself. Moving on…

Today, during a lull at the office, I paid a visit to the Oracle at Google, news from all corners of the world unfolding before my blue eyes. Not that I read much of it mind you; I generally do little more than scan the headlines for entertaining stories, or stories that make my mind recoil in some sort of babbling horror. Anyhow…

This particular stupid storm finds its origin in Austria, and while it is not a stupid storm on the scale of stunted, mustached buffoons, it is definitely stupid.

Like the cartoon from Denmark, our bit of stupidity finds its origins in religion. This time it is the Christian world that is being indignant and oh so offended. You got it, go blow yourself you intolerant little twats! Sorry…slipped out rather unexpectedly.

The painting depicts Christ and his friends at the last supper, having an orgy. This seems to have stirred up a bit of, shall we say…ire? Holy wrath, maybe? I don’t know what other people are calling it, but I am calling it stupid, exceptionally stupid. Stupidity of the sort that is almost praise-worthy, until you remember that it is in fact, stupid.

Couple of things you simple sheeple need to remember before you dust off the crucifix and start looking for nails.

1. It is a painting. Hence it is the view of one man, not the entire world. Lighten up.
2. You (none of us actually) weren’t sitting at the table during the last supper. I’ve seen the painting and I’ve meet everyone on the planet, and I still don’t see your faces in the painting.
3. The original last supper painting is boring, simple, uninspired, and (this one is my personal favorite for disliking the painting) ugly. This new 21ST Century X rated version is at least entertaining.
4. Don’t you think that it is at least possible that Christ had himself an orgy the night before he died? I know I’d want to get laid my last day on Planet Earth, and as many times as possible with as many women as possible. Don’t say you’d want any different, cause if you do you are damn liar and you will suffer an eternity of pain and damnation in an everlasting, fiery Hell!!!
5. And this one is just filling space. Move along now.

So, now that you have been provided five good reasons (and yes, the last one is still a good reason, despite what you think…sheep) to lighten up and relax, hell, maybe even have your very own orgy, what possible reason have you to find anger? Other than the fact that at some very basic, very limited, very simple level you will resort to anger and rage because it seems the right thing to do, or course. By the way, that doesn’t count as a good reason…go blow yourself if you’re still thinking that it does count for something other than the gold standard in the development of sheople.

Islamic or Christian anger of a piece of art, is abysmally retarded. There aren’t many other ways of phrasing it. I suppose one could say “Are you completely stupid?” or perhaps “Die in a fire you pathetic holy-rolling fuckstick!”, or any number of other verbally abusive statements. I prefer (in this case only, normally I am a bit of a Vulgarian), to phrase it as ‘abysmally retarded’. Reminds of some nine year old with a helmet ramming his head into the wall…amusing.

So, if you are one of the offended masses of the righteous Christian faith….GO BLOW YOURSELVES!

Out.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 11th, 2008 at 11:52 pm and is filed under Just shoot me, Kill that fucker!, Who the fuck cares?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.