Catastrophic Dawn!
And I mean FUCKING catastrophic! One of those events that shakes your world to the very core, something that irreversibly alters your life for as long as you live. A dire and desperate situation which calls for a clear message of destruction and revenge, an unequivocal call to arms. Yeah, one of those fucking catastophies.
The coffee pot died.
The goddamn coffee pot died.
The fucking coffee pot died.
I mean the goddamn coffee pot! What kind of senseless bullshit is that? Bunch of freedom hating Islamofascistfrenchterroristical extremist bastards fucking murdered my coffee pot! And I know it was murdered, because a coffee pot just doesn’t up and fucking die. That isn’t the way of the world, people, and trust me…I know the clandestine ways of coffee pots seeing as how I live in the Northwest.
So yeah, people, terrorism has struck deep within the heart of America. The pulse of this great nation has been weakened as of this morning, weakened and reddened by the ruthless and heartless actions of some self-centered coffee hating asshole. Senseless really.
But never fear!
We here in the Northwest plan for such disastrous fucking events. We have a failsafe. Several of them, actually, and all of them work (unlike some other entities in this country), but we don’t actually expect to use them. We rely on two fucking things in this state, our own coffee pot, and the fucking coffee shop two blocks from our home. In other words, we don’t appreciate having to pull out that small, dusty (and possible molding, depending on whether or not you left an old filter in it) and nearly forgotten coffee pot out to use. We don’t fucking like having to do that. Remember that for future fucking reference. And we especially don’t like having to remember how to use the goddamn percolator. Yeah, you might want to write that down.
So I will venture out into a suddenly bleak and lifeless fucking planet, suddenly devoid of hope and all bright things, in order that I might find and return with the most holy of fucking holies, a new, shining coffee pot. A new one to continue the legacy of brave and virtuous service in the name of freedom…fear not beloved Krups, you shall not have died in vain.
And one more thing. Don’t let me find the sadistic fuckstick who crept silently through the night to wreak havoc on my cherished coffee pot…you are a dead man.
Out.